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Archive for November, 2009

We believe in everything
We believe the desk won’t fall when
we sit in it
We believe the car behind us will see the red light and not rear end us
We believe in good, but
we can’t believe in God

No, because believe in God is taking a leap of faith
no more free will
you’re a mindless zombie
prayer and acculaides of praise
…you’re a freak

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13. haiku, for you

I knew you, in mind
but maybe I didn’t keep in mind
that you’d never be mine.

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This is my first blog, in ages. Sorry I’ve been too busy wasting my time, life and energy on countless nothings and memories that can only be classified as “learning experiences” in the years to come.

Today, I hate everything. I hate the fact that I exist. I hate the fact that other people exist. I hate feeling, it’s a dangerous thing. I hate Tech. I hate guitars and music. I hate finals! and 5 page essays and dumb theatre portfolios and days that were supposed to be perfect. Days you’ve talked about for a while but are suddendly ruined because you had the worst night of your life and your mind was in disaray and you forgot your video camera!!!!

One day, I’ll look back on this and think “wow, I was so young and dumb”, but until that day comes I’ll continue to rant about how dumb I think everything is. How I’m giving up anything so I can have nothing, because when you have nothing you can give up everything.

I’m deleting my Facebook & MySpace, I don’t want a reason to get on the computer. I uninstalled my stolen verision of Photoshop CS4 the other, now it’s time for Skype and AIM to go. I don’t want any record of myself existing, I don’t want anyone to find me in virtually 5 seconds. I don’t want anyone to find me ever.

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I’ll go out on a limb here and embarrass myself in front of all my faithful WordPress blog readers. Yes…all…1 of you.

I went on my first date last night…I’m 18. It was with this guy and we went to see Paranormal Activity. I heard it was going to be a good time but I only jumped like once and I’m pretty he hated it. But he was a real sport, and stuck through it and even faked laughed. The movie ended around 11ish and I really just couldn’t be bothered to get home. I felt like I didn’t know enough…about him, about life, his thoughts, his brains…and I just couldn’t wait until Monday so we could talk the usual 5 minutes before class starts to try to figure this guy out. Or for lack of a better phrase, I just couldn’t be bothered.

So we attempted to drive to USC but he missed the exit and we ended up in Lexington county. Then from there we went to this ghetto Wal-Mart and scanned through the $4.95 DVDs and way-too-expenisve-and-almost-obsolete CD’s. It was a good time. I had a headache though that I insisted on complaining about every 5 minutes or so. Probably from his wreckless driving (that was a joke).

Then we went to Lake Carolina and parked in the back of Town Centre and just sat in his car and gazed passionately into each others eyes (I wish). We talked about everything and nothing. The awkward silences were always interrupted with him going “Yeeep” or me asking “What is wrong with you?” and him following it up with a “Fo’get you”. So it wasn’t that bad. He knew virtually every song on the radio. Which reminded me of me. I was pretty embarrassed…I’m usually the walking iPod and here is this guy challenging me for my position! But anyways, we played thumb war, we did up-high-down-low-too-slow and playfully nudged each others arms. It was amazing. My favorite part was when we held up our hands together and his big hand pretty much engulfed my tiny one. ‘Twas cute. Or maybe it was when we were whispering across the car to each other and saying “goodnight”.

If I had my way, I would have never left that silver Hyundai Sonata…

But oi, there is trouble in paradise. Aye, avast. Many problems there are. Maybe it could be the fact that I’m a dreamer and I will always be a dreamer and a subtle visit to the movies with a pal may just be that….a visit to the movies with a PAL. A FRIEND. And nothing more. No imaginary relationship going on between the two of us, although my mind begs to differ. Begs.
Or maybe it could be that if we did get together it doesn’t matter because he’s going to a different campus next semester or that in less than a years time he’s planning on moving back to Texas because he hates every living, breathing and inanimate thing in South Carolina. And if the first two don’t matter much who cares because my mother still likes to treat me like I am 4 instead of 18 therefore I’m probably going to be put on house arrest for the rest of my years.

Oh and did I mention that I am Christian…and he’s Muslim. Yes, yes. If my life got any more controversial it could almost pass as a soap opera. I want him to know God, I do. I feel like Sameer is almost a taboo in a way. Like I’m not allowed to even look at him because a sinner and he’s unholy. Maybe his devil will rub off on me, oh no! I know “God has someone for me” but doesn’t God have someone for everyone…and they still date. I feel like I can’t even date him because he’s worse than an atheist. HE’S MUSLIM! :O I’m not trying to stick up for him-or maybe I am-but I mean can you imagine being born into a muslim family? I asked him last night if he were to change religion what his parents would do and he answered that they’d probably not talk to him for years at a time. Who could live through that? It’s not a religion for them, it’s an entire lifestyle. I know he’s not exactly buying into it though, I can tell. He wore a cross necklace during Ramadan for Christ’s sake. But I’d better not associate with him, maybe something weird will happen and he’ll actually like me and then we’ll date and then I will become corrupt. Or maybe, he’ll see my lifestyle and see God through me and turn to God himself. Lord forbid I be unequally yoked though.

I like him with or without God. Period.
If he isn’t into God much I doubt the relationship will go far anyways so why not just let me go and be free to fail! Free to experience. Free to not conform to everything around me! He’s just a boy…just a boy…I don’t want him to perish forever and feel like I could have done something about it. But the way my parents and everyone talks about it, I can’t even talk to him. I’m holier than thou.

I can’t help that I’m helplessly falling in like with this guy. He’s the first guy thats ever shown a remote interest in me. Going from years of thinking I’m not pretty enough, I’m not the right skin color, I’m not skinny enough…..I feel like this is someone who literally doesn’t care. Just let me be happy, if it’s only for a minute. Please.

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